


starbucks (or, an ex assassin and the star spangled man with a plan)

by outoftouch



Series: multifandom drabbles that i never finished [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, M/M, basically its not canon compliant like at all, bucky knows 50 shades, i was tired when i wrote this ok, this is an au...of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7363939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outoftouch/pseuds/outoftouch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>from a tumblr prompt post, "you were doing a dramatic reading of an erotic novel when i started quoting it line by line from memory"</p>
            </blockquote>





	starbucks (or, an ex assassin and the star spangled man with a plan)

**Author's Note:**

> this is me contributing to the bastardization of 50 shades without having actually ever read or watched the books/movie

“ _Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. **Holy cow** … He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. **Oh no… Will it? How? ******_” A voice reads from behind a bookshelf, almost sarcastically.

“‘Don’t worry,’ _he breathes, his eyes on mine_ , ‘You expand too.’ _He leans down, his hands on either side of my head, so he’s hovering over me, staring down into my eyes, his jaw clenched, his eyes burning. It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his shirt,_ ” Bucky recites mindlessly, not even realizing he’s quoting 50 Shades of Grey until the words are out of his mouth. In the time it takes him to slap a hand over his mouth, a tiny redhead appears, jumping over the 8 foot bookshelf as if it were a puddle. She lands delicately in front of him, smiling. Behind her, a man, no, a Greek god walks around the bookshelf that she had just launched herself over, also smiling. 

“You know uh, 50 Shades?” the Greek god asks shyly, reading the title off the book that’s still in his hands. 

“Vaguely,” Bucky says, motioning with his (flesh) arm. "It's a memorization thing."

"A memorization thing, huh?" 

"Indeed." Bucky refuses to elaborate because that would mean explaining the _fucking metal arm_ and just, no. He was a bit of a drama queen, okay? 

"So, since I'm getting sick of calling you Tall, Dark, and Handsome in my head, do you have a name, stranger?" the redhead smiles. Every fiber of her being is flirting, from the coy smirk to the casual toss of her hair over her shoulder. But, something about the sly way she does it makes Bucky realize it's not for him, but almost as if she’s flirting for the Greek god. 

"Bucky, Bucky Barnes. And you and Greek God here are?"

"Not dating, most importantly. I'm Natasha and this is Steve." 

"Greek God?" Steve asked, smiling. 

"You're really hot," Bucky stated, deadpan. 

"I like this one," Natasha declared. 

20 minutes later, when she's managed to disappear and he and Steve are seated in the Starbucks in the Barnes and Noble and Steve is drinking black coffee and Bucky is happily sipping at an iced peppermint mocha and munching on a bright cake pop, he realizes that a normal person should not be able to jump over an 8 foot bookshelf. 

"So Stevie," Bucky begins, motioning with the (flesh) arm and Steve winces at Bucky’s tone, "I've just come to the conclusion that normal human beings do not have the ability to jump over bookshelves and you're far too muscular for it to be natural, not that I'm complaining. So you and Redhead are SHIELD, yes?" 

Steve's hand flies to his right wrist, to grab at the shield that isn’t actually there, when he notices that Bucky is looking at him inquisitively, rather than with the gaze of a killer. But then again, the gaze tends to look the same. Bucky just looks like he rather see Steve naked than covered in blood. 

"How can you tell?" Steve asks warily. 

"Oh babe," Bucky all but gushes, "they come after all of us freaks and geeks." Bucky carefully, too carefully, shifts his arm enough so that the glove present on his left hand, why didn't Steve notice it was only on his left hand, slides down, and his metal wrist catches the light. His metal wrist, that connects his metal arm to his metal hand. His left metal wrist. Suddenly, the puzzle pieces click together in a very frightening puzzle. 

"Mother of God." 

"It's not very becoming of Captain America to take the Lord's name in vain," Bucky quips. Steve isn’t even going to question how he knows that. 

"It's not very becoming of a world class assassin to take Captain America on coffee dates either," Steve shoots back. 

Bucky winces at the word 'assassin'. It's not something he likes to be called, thank you very much, as he'd been very brainwashed and even more confused when he'd gone on his involuntary killing sprees. He preferred ‘specialized cyborg sniper’. It made him sound like a comic book hero. When he says this aloud, Steve puts his head in his hands. 

"I can't believe I'm on a date with the Winter Soldier." Steve’s head is still in his hands

"This is a date?" Bucky chirps. Steve groans. 

“Wait, why did you pretend you didn’t know who I was earlier?” Steve questions.

Bucky just winks.

But later, when he’s leaving with the taste of Bucky on his lips and a phone number with twelve heart emoji as the contact’s name, Steve can’t bring himself to regret going on a date with the Winter Soldier, who happens to like iced peppermint mochas and cake pops.


End file.
